Hello... please be patient while the site loads :D ~daph
13.5.08
oh wow. it's May already.
and it's May 13th too.
Happy Birthday daddy, i love you so much. I wish it was a happier birthday, but alas, the looming "50" seems quite depressing. It makes me sad too, that YOU, the very youthful and handsome YOU (at least to me), is getting that much older as I grew up oh-too-quickly. I am thankful for everyday i spend with you, and i hope for more healthy happy days to come. How i wish i could make time stand still for all my loved ones, there just doesn't ever seem to be enough time!
we shall bum around watching movies and hold hands like i was still the tiny little girl that stuck onto you like a lil icky parasite. and much more. LOVE you daddy..
-daph (12:19 am) >>*
ooh i'm gonna be nineteen soon!
28.3.08
ooh. tmr's the day. the last day i can say i'm celebrating my ***-teen birthday! that's right... i got a letter from rina the other day. it was so sweet! thanks angel. and i love the card too. though it looped the bday song thrice and i was beginning to fear it wouldn't stop by the time it started on its 3rd round.. lolll. and btw, she was the one that made me realise why we were called teen-agers. i didn't EVER think of the fact that it was because there was a "-teen" in our age. ah. i feel so slow.
In other news, to all the taggers, YES! i'm feeling better! i think.. at least i won't let myself get down cos of these stuff. well that day i was annoyed and i received a letter from CPF telling me they take some of my money to pay for insurance. and then i was like exclaiming loudly that i wanna withdraw cos i dun wan annoying ppl to benefit from my death. LOL. i was like how silly. anyway, not worth the hassle to go and undo the money they've ALREADY taken away for that insurance thingie. --"
anyywayy. yes! tmr's my bday! LALALA. i hope it's relatively happy. well.. at least i hope it's not annoying or too depressing. hehe. i know in the previous post which was bratty and incoherent (ahh too many posts to refer to aha) i announced i dun wanna celebrate my bday. lol. BUT. ANYWAY. i decided i have a little wishlist still.. that i put up by routine but never get anything from it EVER anyway. lol... since it's so late anyway, i doubt anyone will get it, but yes.. i guess i just think i can get lotsa belated gifts. nyeheheh. of course, this is all OPTIONAL and VOLUNTARY.. cos i DID spoiltly decide that i dun wanna celebrate out of spite.
Any cute/funky items that i can use for the new school term (hooray funky functional stationary thingum, or BAGS XP )
And if ur scratching ur head, wondering what on earth those stuff are, or wondering where on earth u can get these stuff, or how ur supposed to know that i fit in them. Then ASK ME ON A DATE! wahaha. above all, i'd really like to meet u guys over dinner or sth and then u guys can take me shopping. ahh. and we can take loadsa photos, and we can go so funnn crazzyyy. that'd be nice. heheheh. love u'all. i wonder if anyone will sms tonight to wish me happy bday. heh.. especially curious abt someONE. i dunno why too. oh well. we'll see hur.
the birthdays just seem to get quieter each year. actually the most rah-rah one was in J1.. i enjoyed it, cos i had so many frens, lol so many presents, and i felt REALLY loved. and happy. now i just feel old and bleahh. loll. i need to work! i'm really rotting lol. someone call me back already!
-daph (8:46 pm) >>*
18.3.08
and i thought things were back to normal... ok they are. i'm happy now. content and just hoping for the best.
i just sometimes hope i get that speck of chance to prove myself. so i got a call for an interview today. was super happy. thought i'd start preparing soon.. ah-ha. but my mum just came in on the pretext of helping me prepare but all she did was throw me into a mockup as if i was supposed to already go through the interview now. i mean yes, u can give it to me, but u should expect that i'm still thinking so i'll actually dribble out all my thought processes, but NO. u roll ur eyes at me, and kept correcting me before i was done.
AND THEN you say "ur supposed to write down these questions and prepare"... i'm like yea, i've taken note. and she's like, "ur answer was like blablablablablablabla..." gah. HELLO?! i want some peace tonight really. i wanted to do my research, i'm gonna do my planning. just not yet. do u get it?? not YET. so stop asking me questions and say that it's PRACTICE when ur obviously NOT thinking of it as practice. And then when i opened word file, and started typing in her questions while repeating them out loud, she thought i was ignoring her. whatthe. ok. i admit this is a bit of rambling now. but yes.
and uh. my dad comes in going "what happened here? u better listen ah.. get serious..." and some random crap when he was right behind me staring at my computer screen which was obviously the word file that read interview questions. nope, i dunno if he didn't notice or just ignored that fact. sheesh. so they both gang up and think i'm a childish horrible git who doesn't want to plan for her future again. yay
i mean i'll seriously appreciate her help if i've prepared then i can go ask her for advice bla bla. but now she KNOWS i've not done anything and still comes in and asks her questions and then give me that stupid sarcastic tone (which btw, i totally HATE. and is the root of most of my displeasure at her) whenever i say sth wrong or dunno what to say and cluck "u must be prepared u know..." once again, they think by saying it, i'll be able to achieve it by the next second. cos right after acknowleding, they will complain that i still haven't done it AGAIN. i really take my hat off them sometimes..
i dunno what to say. i'm a horrible daughter aren't i? but yea, can they pls make sense sometimes? i can't take it. arghh.
oh yes, i'm not really feeling up for celebrating my birthday at all this year. ): i've been emo-ing for so long that i feel tired being excessively happy on any given day. n really, i don't WANT to be too happy at all, it's too short-lived, i'd rather not have it at all, then i won't have to feel the disappointment to the same degree when it's gone. so well congrats to all u guys' pockets i guess. and besides, i feel really old these days. i'd rather not have a reminder that i'm older yet again. sighh. yesterday i wished rina happy bday and then i realised she has hit the big 2! and i'm like cringing so bad cos my turn soon. !$^#%$& A year is just such a short time la. blah.
-daph (10:02 pm) >>*
8.3.08
alright let me take a deep breath and start.
someone told me that i should delete my blog recently. and i thought.. ok. and then i realised i wasn't suppose to agree, i was supposed to restart my engine!
that's me, i just... dawdle. lag. procrastinate. heck-care. then plop, down i fall. and poof, i fade. now be warned this will be some emo piece of crap and well, by now u should all hate me and so don't read it. it's quite the ranting piece.
yep, the school did so exceedingly well for As this year, i had really thought that maybe.. MAYBE i can also do well too. i really did think i'd get some of my As. I was really quite sure for some subjects.. but i was wrong.
Mdm Tay gave me a smirk. i dunno what it was supposed to mean. it looked slighlty encouraging. and i was thinking. wow. that's a good sign right. but yea, flip the paper and it's like... "oh no, this isn't happening again!"
Yea, i screwed it up, like i screwed my PSLE. just that this time, it seems far worse. And immediately the world seemed a lot darker. well, at least the looks of people around me seemed to turn sinister, like they're all laughing at me, or worse, they can't even be bothered with me anymore. i feel betrayed, and disgusted. but what right do i have anyway?
Well actually, the sun still shone, and the nice breeze still blew... the trees and grass were still lush and green, the world didn't change because i fell. nope, and there i stood, staring at all these while my tears kept streaming uncontrollably. I called my parents immediately and told them. they have the right to know that their daughter once again is a total loser. i think i disappointed them so much, i can understand, since the pain in me was excruciating as well.. i knew i had to get over it and start planning and looking ahead. but my dad... his actions and words since last night has really utterly beaten me so badly. i feel entirely flatten, defeated. i'm a complete waste of a person, and i don't deserve to live.
Maybe that is true.
I know I always lack motivation and drive, I really do want to get back on my feet. But somehow i just can't bring myself to do so cos seeing him reminds me so much of what a failure i am.
Anyway, he kind of made me feel like all around me should feel ashamed to be associated with me. which i'm beginning to think absolutely true. a big thanks to people who've been standing by me, believing in me. i'm sorry i turned out like this now. and to those who look down on me now, i can only say i know it's my own doing and i pay the price, but whoever you are, you've no right to judge. and i will prove myself one day. and soon.
back to the point on ppl feeling ashamed. hm.. i really did think about it..and i think ppl do. from the way they look at me and little things like these. well, those who aren't, i think they should anyway...leave my side, not be tied down by the pscho-wreck me, lead their own lives well and away from me. i just wanna be alone most times now. i really don't see myself having any real friends. no offence. (perhpas i'm having pschomental depression now or whatever) that could be my fault too of course. but yes, i have to say i'm thankful and touched to those who bothered to call or sms, if u meant sincere concern, i believe i could tell and i really am grateful.
I am so emotionally tattered now really, and so very tired, but i can't rest or i'll fall further behind. i was so distracted that i hadn't realised i dropped my wallet in the car, and when i discovered it's loss this morning, i panicked so bad. i spent the whole of previous night crying over my results, had insufficient sleep, and had a heavy heavy stone on my heart, and now another boulder? thankfully i found it in the car, or i might just have broken down. i freaked out over the fact that i couldn't do anything right, that i was losing everything i had, so so tired.. but with that solved, i gotta keep my head up again. So for this time, i need to keep myself strong and push hard till the last breath. only then can i take a short breather and recharge and live on again. I just hope i don't lose it before i get my break. IF i get my break. but i know.. people are watching. i can't stop, i must keep going.. keep going..
i hope it's not too late for me to realise that there are a million and one people waiting to stab u from behind if u so much as fell behind by a hair's width. and that one really has to push so much harder to keep up and be ahead. have i really been so wrong about my philosophy in life?
i guess i always feared death and i just never thought anything was important enough to slug myself out for... (think along the lines of futility of achieving everything but having to die anyway) i thought perhaps it was enough just to be average (even though i'm endowed to be destined for more) and i'd so much rather take things more easily. but it hurts, when everyone around u rushes too far ahead, the feeling of being left behind... it sucks. and perhaps i should integrate a new thought into my philosophy, that is what i fear will still inevitably arrive, and i should do more out of it! augh, this has got to take some time... to change my mindset. i'm rusty shit.
-daph (10:42 pm) >>*
28.9.07
and so i was feeling a bit of blogging lethargy, i always know i should read someone else's to motivate me to write my own entry. and so i did.
i read yun's, siew's and elaina's. yea, elaina's. it's been really long since i met her, and it seems like such an ultra long time since i hung out with her, or anyone like her! what do i mean? well, with her, i feel very girl, very gep. some people just make me feel that way. ah, and yes, she's proven me right by writing one of the simplest but most interesting and sometimes-sweet-most-times-kooky-and-fun blog entries. with that said, i found this on her blog:
That is Keynes by the way. Yea, the economist guy. wahaha. So she credits this very amusing photo to a guy named lester. I'm guessing he's a classmate or sth. u know, keynes looks super cool in that. hrm.
And so now i've gottten all my papers back except bio, but i already know i'm in the remedial class, so what can i say? my prelim results are seriously, um to die for. i'd certainly mean it in the way that u'd wish to die if u had my grades. :( yup, sadness. and yes, i'm panicking. finally. yes, i'm angry. disappointed. ________ (insert adjective/s)
So i am kind of going to force myself into a crazy mugging plan. Well, hopefully anyway. :S i dunno how much of that will really work. at times i think it's ok, i'll get there... just like how my seniors did. But other times i think, this is totally different, our batch is totally different, how can we be sure that it follows the trend? how am i going to naively hope that i can suddenly get my As after hovering around America for so long! (U.S... ok lame.). Well, we'll see how things go. Currently, the subject that i feel worst about is chemistry, which i feel both guilty and helpless for. why on earth must it be a mandatory criteria in so many more-prestigious science-related faculties? I'm sad.
Oh yes, hm, edj2 was supposed to go out on sun, but we cancelled it cos jaime and i didn't feel like it anymore. Told jia. and well, we r both the lazy sort and we've just gotten off our asses, trying to mug our guts out for As, cos now we finally panic. Well, we both agreed this morning that we'll mug harder and we BOTH must get our As in the As! Ahh i really hope so. So no outing till after As.. I just hope those two don't have to enter NS that soon..
Well, in the more sticky news, i woke up one day feeling really disgusted and irritated at someone. someone i used to love dearly. i still do actually, it's just i feel i'm starting to lose the ridiculous amount of patience i had for him. (i say that because i was EXTREMELY tolerant towards everything he did and said, even to the point of self-abuse) Sometimes, i will feel anger building up in me when he does something annoying.. maybe something is waking inside me, a more selfish and un-nice me that has been repressed for too long. I remember many people telling me that i'm too nice. Natalie.. people feared her. I didn't, i don't recall that anyway. Well, she was truthfully rather mean to most. But she still warmed up to me and i was always on good terms with her. She said i am too nice, and sometimes she doesn't know what to do with me. She can get angry over the fact that i'm too accomodating to everyone, but she can't get angry at me. lol. i rmb being amused by that comment. ah, oh no, i'm losing the nice, and welcoming the evil. oh no.
Anyway, the point is. I think my feelings towards most people have changed, especially this one. Why can't i leave it to a perfect impression. I don't want to slowly lose the love too. I'll be really upset. ARGH. i wish my life could end here, and then i can start a completely new chapter with new people who won't ever take me for granted. A me who is not lazy, but driven although not selfish. Me who'll love and be loved. me who'll be able to pursue the things i love and be supported by my loved ones, and appreciated by my counterparts and audience. (i say audience because i'm thinking performing arts right now, there's a fac for visual arts and performing arts in the university of melbourne! Lucky gits. i've almost forgotten this passion of mine that seems to far away now, though it's only been a couple of years. all this is thanks to mr tang. i LOVE theatre, among all.) Ah yes, i wanna be passionate in my new self. i've forgotten all my passions, and dreams. i'm only blindly chasing this certificate now.. which i'm not confident of making reflect my wanted grades. without this, apparently i'll be greatly disadvantaged in this society. i know it's true, but it just makes me more depressed about this world/society we live in. when will we stop this rat race? hmm, but perhaps i CAN be a new me after college. I'll meet new people and learn new things, i can be a totally different personality. i'm going to be the girl guys want to be with, and the girl girls want to be. without being a mean %&@#$!. Um, not very likely though. wahaha.
ok, i should stop waffling now. (ooh, waffles! no. i meant rambling) i still've to finish up the statistics i promised renny (my math tutor) i'd do by tonight. and there'll be lots more to do in the holidays... including about 5 bio papers. no make that more than 5. countless. math vector questions, chem practice. not to mention i must conclude and summarise my entire revision for all subjects. ARGH. k night folkz.
-daph (8:31 pm) >>*
20.9.07
hey daph. be brave.
face it all with an open mind, a happy heart.
live with whatever comes, that's the only thing u can and should do.
the day of reckoning, along with all the answers will all arrive in no time, especially when u least expect it. maybe i'll dream and wake up knowing exactly what to say and do. something i'll never regret no matter what comes along.
oh well, we'll see about that..
besides that, i feel happy today. it's quite a ball.. been having 2 relatively pretty days. the days that are simple yet makes one feel warm fuzzy inside. amidst all this confusion, i still manage to allow myself pretty days, isn't that wonderful? we make days pretty, there are no perfect days but we just allow ourselves to savour the good bits, and that seems to shadow the bad.
Blog has been revived for such wrong reasons, i shouldn't be angsting here about things that shouldn't be. i have not mentioned a single paper for the whole of prelims. bah. well, today's chem MCQ is a great accomplishment cos i finished the paper. (ok, i left one blank but still!) well, usually i leave more than 5 blanks only cos i can't finish and dwell too long on stuff. hey! i rushed myself. couldn't care less what the answer was, if i'm spending too much time, just pick whatever calls out to u. who cares?
well, just a little note back to the cause of angst. i think i caused it. well, in most parts i did. a simple thing that got out of hand. make that REALLY disastrous. ): there are now so many factors and thoughts clouding my mind. maybe it isn't appropriate to say angst. it's more like.. guilt, sadness, anger, happiness and sorry all mushed into one. i'm seriously a sorry ass. bleah.
ahh, but i'll settle it soon. i will.
-daph (9:21 pm) >>*
19.9.07
i really don't know what to make of myself.
so conflicted, so stupid. grr.
i hate this blog. so angsty. must change blog soon. oops, random thought.
well, it turns out the decision now lies in my hands. from experience, these hands will ruin everything. i'm so afraid of making the wrong step. some people say do not think too much, even if it turns out to have been a wrong move after all, u know u won't regret it. really?
i don't want to have to look back and thank my very lucky stars and the very unlucky people for being so tolerant and patient with me again.
i think no matter what i choose.. i'll not be 100% happy. oh wait. why am i asking for such a perfect situation when no such thing exists.
is it really fair to go ahead with sth u urself are not confident in, and perhaps may not put ur all into? what if ur so unsure, should u still consider? i've always thought that something that lasts would have to have a good beginning. gee i don't know if this is one. if i condemn it as such now, how can i even think for a second about even saying yes cos i'd never have put in enough to make it work. that's the freak i am.
i really wanna resolve this quickly, i can't afford to think so much anymore. i can't afford to let others think so much too. i fear... fear the consequences of my decision. fear the uncertainties. fear retribution. fear the acceptance of both the good and bad. can't wait for the day when i've stopped fearing, then i'll know what i want. i fear, therefore i'm defensive.
a sorry in advance to everyone affected for my future decision. cos whatever it is, i still need to apologise for one thing or another.
-daph (8:58 pm) >>*
Daphne Tan; Singapore; Chinese; 17+; HCI; Buddhist; Aresian;
29031989; emotional; lazy; hungry; dreamer; loves: sleep; food;
music; dance; lights; webdsign; Korea!; dislikes: hypocrites;
gossips carried too far; stress; preachers;
(more? leave a question in the chatbox)
