Hello... please be patient while the site loads :D ~daph
hahaha.
11.4.07
Sunday, i was extremely frustrated. i was in hysterics. and i MEAN hysterics.. I was crying but laughing uncontrollably. No, not tears of laughter. Always wondered how that felt like, and now i know. It is rather scary really, as if I've gone consciously insane but unable to help myself. I can't believe i told so many people this time. I used to keep totally quiet about my inner feelings, but i guess this time i feel this would be the best way for me. I want some people to know, so that if one day i really leave suddenly/lose my mind.. someone is able to tell my story since i will no longer be able to explain..
Thought so much lately, Zing told me not to. Yea, i can see that ppl who think less are generally a happier lot. But sometimes, it's not that i can help it. It's just in me to think. And perhaps too much? But that's me.
Started thinking that my life is a joke. I'm going all the wrong routes and chasing the wrong things. I KNOW i do not want what's ahead of me, yet i just walk right along. Choice, we always have a choice. And somehow i choose not to listen to myself, but all the other voices around.
Well, my body's been falling apart too. What with all the short-of-breath encounters lately, the ear imbalance (yea, it gets blocked for no reason sometimes), the tailbone problem, the momentary blackouts i've been experiencing, and that weird heart-racing thing. Oh gosh. The more i worry, the more things come along. I'm so tired and sad..
Today, i ran the trial 2.4 (which was in fact only 1.6) with Faith. Urged myself to continue running, and beat myself. Have been doing work with Fred lately, he kept saying to "convert one's sorrows into strength" (yea, in chinese) and i guess it kind of rubbed off me a little, so i pushed myself more than usual. Honestly, i did slow down a little at the end so that i wouldn't end up dead after my run (like all my runs end). Yea, well.. my head was really tight after the run, it was seriously and literally WRENCHING. yar, like how someone squeezes a towel dry? That's how it felt. It was really painful. And my throat hurt cos i think i breathed in too hard and incorrectly during the run. Hmm, the world spun, and i thought "oh gee! let's faint!" Ah, but i did not, as Faith and Cherlyn supported me while i made my way back. Probably would have allowed myself to slip away if there wasn't anyone around.
reminds me of council camp once when we did that crazy physical session. How i was soaked in cold sweat and had to stop. how Tiff came into the 'sickbay' in an almost semi-conscious state, how everyone encouraged her, and forced her to keep her eyes open. We were all so afraid.. And i had to be wrapped up too, cos i was so very cold. crazy times, yea..
well. can't believe that while most 18-year-olds are having a carefree/mundane/happy/purposeful/satisfied/motivated time, here i am without any of those.. I wonder how long more i can keep this from my parents.
-daph (10:05 pm) >>*
Daphne Tan; Singapore; Chinese; 17+; HCI; Buddhist; Aresian;
29031989; emotional; lazy; hungry; dreamer; loves: sleep; food;
music; dance; lights; webdsign; Korea!; dislikes: hypocrites;
gossips carried too far; stress; preachers;
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