Hello... please be patient while the site loads :D ~daph
ooh i'm gonna be nineteen soon!
28.3.08
ooh. tmr's the day. the last day i can say i'm celebrating my ***-teen birthday! that's right... i got a letter from rina the other day. it was so sweet! thanks angel. and i love the card too. though it looped the bday song thrice and i was beginning to fear it wouldn't stop by the time it started on its 3rd round.. lolll. and btw, she was the one that made me realise why we were called teen-agers. i didn't EVER think of the fact that it was because there was a "-teen" in our age. ah. i feel so slow.
In other news, to all the taggers, YES! i'm feeling better! i think.. at least i won't let myself get down cos of these stuff. well that day i was annoyed and i received a letter from CPF telling me they take some of my money to pay for insurance. and then i was like exclaiming loudly that i wanna withdraw cos i dun wan annoying ppl to benefit from my death. LOL. i was like how silly. anyway, not worth the hassle to go and undo the money they've ALREADY taken away for that insurance thingie. --"
anyywayy. yes! tmr's my bday! LALALA. i hope it's relatively happy. well.. at least i hope it's not annoying or too depressing. hehe. i know in the previous post which was bratty and incoherent (ahh too many posts to refer to aha) i announced i dun wanna celebrate my bday. lol. BUT. ANYWAY. i decided i have a little wishlist still.. that i put up by routine but never get anything from it EVER anyway. lol... since it's so late anyway, i doubt anyone will get it, but yes.. i guess i just think i can get lotsa belated gifts. nyeheheh. of course, this is all OPTIONAL and VOLUNTARY.. cos i DID spoiltly decide that i dun wanna celebrate out of spite.
Any cute/funky items that i can use for the new school term (hooray funky functional stationary thingum, or BAGS XP )
And if ur scratching ur head, wondering what on earth those stuff are, or wondering where on earth u can get these stuff, or how ur supposed to know that i fit in them. Then ASK ME ON A DATE! wahaha. above all, i'd really like to meet u guys over dinner or sth and then u guys can take me shopping. ahh. and we can take loadsa photos, and we can go so funnn crazzyyy. that'd be nice. heheheh. love u'all. i wonder if anyone will sms tonight to wish me happy bday. heh.. especially curious abt someONE. i dunno why too. oh well. we'll see hur.
the birthdays just seem to get quieter each year. actually the most rah-rah one was in J1.. i enjoyed it, cos i had so many frens, lol so many presents, and i felt REALLY loved. and happy. now i just feel old and bleahh. loll. i need to work! i'm really rotting lol. someone call me back already!
-daph (8:46 pm) >>*
18.3.08
and i thought things were back to normal... ok they are. i'm happy now. content and just hoping for the best.
i just sometimes hope i get that speck of chance to prove myself. so i got a call for an interview today. was super happy. thought i'd start preparing soon.. ah-ha. but my mum just came in on the pretext of helping me prepare but all she did was throw me into a mockup as if i was supposed to already go through the interview now. i mean yes, u can give it to me, but u should expect that i'm still thinking so i'll actually dribble out all my thought processes, but NO. u roll ur eyes at me, and kept correcting me before i was done.
AND THEN you say "ur supposed to write down these questions and prepare"... i'm like yea, i've taken note. and she's like, "ur answer was like blablablablablablabla..." gah. HELLO?! i want some peace tonight really. i wanted to do my research, i'm gonna do my planning. just not yet. do u get it?? not YET. so stop asking me questions and say that it's PRACTICE when ur obviously NOT thinking of it as practice. And then when i opened word file, and started typing in her questions while repeating them out loud, she thought i was ignoring her. whatthe. ok. i admit this is a bit of rambling now. but yes.
and uh. my dad comes in going "what happened here? u better listen ah.. get serious..." and some random crap when he was right behind me staring at my computer screen which was obviously the word file that read interview questions. nope, i dunno if he didn't notice or just ignored that fact. sheesh. so they both gang up and think i'm a childish horrible git who doesn't want to plan for her future again. yay
i mean i'll seriously appreciate her help if i've prepared then i can go ask her for advice bla bla. but now she KNOWS i've not done anything and still comes in and asks her questions and then give me that stupid sarcastic tone (which btw, i totally HATE. and is the root of most of my displeasure at her) whenever i say sth wrong or dunno what to say and cluck "u must be prepared u know..." once again, they think by saying it, i'll be able to achieve it by the next second. cos right after acknowleding, they will complain that i still haven't done it AGAIN. i really take my hat off them sometimes..
i dunno what to say. i'm a horrible daughter aren't i? but yea, can they pls make sense sometimes? i can't take it. arghh.
oh yes, i'm not really feeling up for celebrating my birthday at all this year. ): i've been emo-ing for so long that i feel tired being excessively happy on any given day. n really, i don't WANT to be too happy at all, it's too short-lived, i'd rather not have it at all, then i won't have to feel the disappointment to the same degree when it's gone. so well congrats to all u guys' pockets i guess. and besides, i feel really old these days. i'd rather not have a reminder that i'm older yet again. sighh. yesterday i wished rina happy bday and then i realised she has hit the big 2! and i'm like cringing so bad cos my turn soon. !$^#%$& A year is just such a short time la. blah.
-daph (10:02 pm) >>*
8.3.08
alright let me take a deep breath and start.
someone told me that i should delete my blog recently. and i thought.. ok. and then i realised i wasn't suppose to agree, i was supposed to restart my engine!
that's me, i just... dawdle. lag. procrastinate. heck-care. then plop, down i fall. and poof, i fade. now be warned this will be some emo piece of crap and well, by now u should all hate me and so don't read it. it's quite the ranting piece.
yep, the school did so exceedingly well for As this year, i had really thought that maybe.. MAYBE i can also do well too. i really did think i'd get some of my As. I was really quite sure for some subjects.. but i was wrong.
Mdm Tay gave me a smirk. i dunno what it was supposed to mean. it looked slighlty encouraging. and i was thinking. wow. that's a good sign right. but yea, flip the paper and it's like... "oh no, this isn't happening again!"
Yea, i screwed it up, like i screwed my PSLE. just that this time, it seems far worse. And immediately the world seemed a lot darker. well, at least the looks of people around me seemed to turn sinister, like they're all laughing at me, or worse, they can't even be bothered with me anymore. i feel betrayed, and disgusted. but what right do i have anyway?
Well actually, the sun still shone, and the nice breeze still blew... the trees and grass were still lush and green, the world didn't change because i fell. nope, and there i stood, staring at all these while my tears kept streaming uncontrollably. I called my parents immediately and told them. they have the right to know that their daughter once again is a total loser. i think i disappointed them so much, i can understand, since the pain in me was excruciating as well.. i knew i had to get over it and start planning and looking ahead. but my dad... his actions and words since last night has really utterly beaten me so badly. i feel entirely flatten, defeated. i'm a complete waste of a person, and i don't deserve to live.
Maybe that is true.
I know I always lack motivation and drive, I really do want to get back on my feet. But somehow i just can't bring myself to do so cos seeing him reminds me so much of what a failure i am.
Anyway, he kind of made me feel like all around me should feel ashamed to be associated with me. which i'm beginning to think absolutely true. a big thanks to people who've been standing by me, believing in me. i'm sorry i turned out like this now. and to those who look down on me now, i can only say i know it's my own doing and i pay the price, but whoever you are, you've no right to judge. and i will prove myself one day. and soon.
back to the point on ppl feeling ashamed. hm.. i really did think about it..and i think ppl do. from the way they look at me and little things like these. well, those who aren't, i think they should anyway...leave my side, not be tied down by the pscho-wreck me, lead their own lives well and away from me. i just wanna be alone most times now. i really don't see myself having any real friends. no offence. (perhpas i'm having pschomental depression now or whatever) that could be my fault too of course. but yes, i have to say i'm thankful and touched to those who bothered to call or sms, if u meant sincere concern, i believe i could tell and i really am grateful.
I am so emotionally tattered now really, and so very tired, but i can't rest or i'll fall further behind. i was so distracted that i hadn't realised i dropped my wallet in the car, and when i discovered it's loss this morning, i panicked so bad. i spent the whole of previous night crying over my results, had insufficient sleep, and had a heavy heavy stone on my heart, and now another boulder? thankfully i found it in the car, or i might just have broken down. i freaked out over the fact that i couldn't do anything right, that i was losing everything i had, so so tired.. but with that solved, i gotta keep my head up again. So for this time, i need to keep myself strong and push hard till the last breath. only then can i take a short breather and recharge and live on again. I just hope i don't lose it before i get my break. IF i get my break. but i know.. people are watching. i can't stop, i must keep going.. keep going..
i hope it's not too late for me to realise that there are a million and one people waiting to stab u from behind if u so much as fell behind by a hair's width. and that one really has to push so much harder to keep up and be ahead. have i really been so wrong about my philosophy in life?
i guess i always feared death and i just never thought anything was important enough to slug myself out for... (think along the lines of futility of achieving everything but having to die anyway) i thought perhaps it was enough just to be average (even though i'm endowed to be destined for more) and i'd so much rather take things more easily. but it hurts, when everyone around u rushes too far ahead, the feeling of being left behind... it sucks. and perhaps i should integrate a new thought into my philosophy, that is what i fear will still inevitably arrive, and i should do more out of it! augh, this has got to take some time... to change my mindset. i'm rusty shit.
-daph (10:42 pm) >>*
Daphne Tan; Singapore; Chinese; 17+; HCI; Buddhist; Aresian;
29031989; emotional; lazy; hungry; dreamer; loves: sleep; food;
music; dance; lights; webdsign; Korea!; dislikes: hypocrites;
gossips carried too far; stress; preachers;
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