[d][a][p][h] ___//stay with me*

28.9.07

and so i was feeling a bit of blogging lethargy, i always know i should read someone else's to motivate me to write my own entry. and so i did.

i read yun's, siew's and elaina's. yea, elaina's. it's been really long since i met her, and it seems like such an ultra long time since i hung out with her, or anyone like her! what do i mean? well, with her, i feel very girl, very gep. some people just make me feel that way. ah, and yes, she's proven me right by writing one of the simplest but most interesting and sometimes-sweet-most-times-kooky-and-fun blog entries. with that said, i found this on her blog:

That is Keynes by the way. Yea, the economist guy. wahaha. So she credits this very amusing photo to a guy named lester. I'm guessing he's a classmate or sth. u know, keynes looks super cool in that. hrm.

And so now i've gottten all my papers back except bio, but i already know i'm in the remedial class, so what can i say? my prelim results are seriously, um to die for. i'd certainly mean it in the way that u'd wish to die if u had my grades. :( yup, sadness. and yes, i'm panicking. finally. yes, i'm angry. disappointed. ________ (insert adjective/s)

So i am kind of going to force myself into a crazy mugging plan. Well, hopefully anyway. :S i dunno how much of that will really work. at times i think it's ok, i'll get there... just like how my seniors did. But other times i think, this is totally different, our batch is totally different, how can we be sure that it follows the trend? how am i going to naively hope that i can suddenly get my As after hovering around America for so long! (U.S... ok lame.). Well, we'll see how things go. Currently, the subject that i feel worst about is chemistry, which i feel both guilty and helpless for. why on earth must it be a mandatory criteria in so many more-prestigious science-related faculties? I'm sad.

Oh yes, hm, edj2 was supposed to go out on sun, but we cancelled it cos jaime and i didn't feel like it anymore. Told jia. and well, we r both the lazy sort and we've just gotten off our asses, trying to mug our guts out for As, cos now we finally panic. Well, we both agreed this morning that we'll mug harder and we BOTH must get our As in the As! Ahh i really hope so. So no outing till after As.. I just hope those two don't have to enter NS that soon..

Well, in the more sticky news, i woke up one day feeling really disgusted and irritated at someone. someone i used to love dearly. i still do actually, it's just i feel i'm starting to lose the ridiculous amount of patience i had for him. (i say that because i was EXTREMELY tolerant towards everything he did and said, even to the point of self-abuse) Sometimes, i will feel anger building up in me when he does something annoying.. maybe something is waking inside me, a more selfish and un-nice me that has been repressed for too long. I remember many people telling me that i'm too nice. Natalie.. people feared her. I didn't, i don't recall that anyway. Well, she was truthfully rather mean to most. But she still warmed up to me and i was always on good terms with her. She said i am too nice, and sometimes she doesn't know what to do with me. She can get angry over the fact that i'm too accomodating to everyone, but she can't get angry at me. lol. i rmb being amused by that comment. ah, oh no, i'm losing the nice, and welcoming the evil. oh no.

Anyway, the point is. I think my feelings towards most people have changed, especially this one. Why can't i leave it to a perfect impression. I don't want to slowly lose the love too. I'll be really upset. ARGH. i wish my life could end here, and then i can start a completely new chapter with new people who won't ever take me for granted. A me who is not lazy, but driven although not selfish. Me who'll love and be loved. me who'll be able to pursue the things i love and be supported by my loved ones, and appreciated by my counterparts and audience. (i say audience because i'm thinking performing arts right now, there's a fac for visual arts and performing arts in the university of melbourne! Lucky gits. i've almost forgotten this passion of mine that seems to far away now, though it's only been a couple of years. all this is thanks to mr tang. i LOVE theatre, among all.) Ah yes, i wanna be passionate in my new self. i've forgotten all my passions, and dreams. i'm only blindly chasing this certificate now.. which i'm not confident of making reflect my wanted grades. without this, apparently i'll be greatly disadvantaged in this society. i know it's true, but it just makes me more depressed about this world/society we live in. when will we stop this rat race? hmm, but perhaps i CAN be a new me after college. I'll meet new people and learn new things, i can be a totally different personality. i'm going to be the girl guys want to be with, and the girl girls want to be. without being a mean %&@#$!. Um, not very likely though. wahaha.

ok, i should stop waffling now. (ooh, waffles! no. i meant rambling) i still've to finish up the statistics i promised renny (my math tutor) i'd do by tonight. and there'll be lots more to do in the holidays... including about 5 bio papers. no make that more than 5. countless. math vector questions, chem practice. not to mention i must conclude and summarise my entire revision for all subjects. ARGH. k night folkz.

-daph (8:31 pm) >>*

20.9.07

hey daph. be brave.

face it all with an open mind, a happy heart.

live with whatever comes, that's the only thing u can and should do.

the day of reckoning, along with all the answers will all arrive in no time, especially when u least expect it. maybe i'll dream and wake up knowing exactly what to say and do. something i'll never regret no matter what comes along.

oh well, we'll see about that..

besides that, i feel happy today. it's quite a ball.. been having 2 relatively pretty days. the days that are simple yet makes one feel warm fuzzy inside. amidst all this confusion, i still manage to allow myself pretty days, isn't that wonderful? we make days pretty, there are no perfect days but we just allow ourselves to savour the good bits, and that seems to shadow the bad.

Blog has been revived for such wrong reasons, i shouldn't be angsting here about things that shouldn't be. i have not mentioned a single paper for the whole of prelims. bah. well, today's chem MCQ is a great accomplishment cos i finished the paper. (ok, i left one blank but still!) well, usually i leave more than 5 blanks only cos i can't finish and dwell too long on stuff. hey! i rushed myself. couldn't care less what the answer was, if i'm spending too much time, just pick whatever calls out to u. who cares?

well, just a little note back to the cause of angst. i think i caused it. well, in most parts i did. a simple thing that got out of hand. make that REALLY disastrous. ): there are now so many factors and thoughts clouding my mind. maybe it isn't appropriate to say angst. it's more like.. guilt, sadness, anger, happiness and sorry all mushed into one. i'm seriously a sorry ass. bleah.

ahh, but i'll settle it soon. i will.

-daph (9:21 pm) >>*

19.9.07

i really don't know what to make of myself.

so conflicted, so stupid. grr.

i hate this blog. so angsty. must change blog soon. oops, random thought.

well, it turns out the decision now lies in my hands. from experience, these hands will ruin everything. i'm so afraid of making the wrong step. some people say do not think too much, even if it turns out to have been a wrong move after all, u know u won't regret it. really?

i don't want to have to look back and thank my very lucky stars and the very unlucky people for being so tolerant and patient with me again.

i think no matter what i choose.. i'll not be 100% happy. oh wait. why am i asking for such a perfect situation when no such thing exists.

is it really fair to go ahead with sth u urself are not confident in, and perhaps may not put ur all into? what if ur so unsure, should u still consider? i've always thought that something that lasts would have to have a good beginning. gee i don't know if this is one. if i condemn it as such now, how can i even think for a second about even saying yes cos i'd never have put in enough to make it work. that's the freak i am.

i really wanna resolve this quickly, i can't afford to think so much anymore. i can't afford to let others think so much too. i fear... fear the consequences of my decision. fear the uncertainties. fear retribution. fear the acceptance of both the good and bad. can't wait for the day when i've stopped fearing, then i'll know what i want. i fear, therefore i'm defensive.

a sorry in advance to everyone affected for my future decision. cos whatever it is, i still need to apologise for one thing or another.

-daph (8:58 pm) >>*

i ruined my life again. 16.9.07

I really did so want to start anew, give myself a chance. But maybe this is not meant to be, maybe I'm meant to wait…

Hmm, I feel crappy.. didn't know I'd be so affected by what he says and do. Well, at least I found out in the last few days. I almost cried thinking he didn't want to speak to me, and that was when I thought I would seriously make my move and decide.
Feeling unsure, especially as I've observed the new situation. He should have at least 3 others waiting too.. oh well. So I thought I better make absolute sure of this before I leap in. instead of making things better though, it just got worse. Apparently I asked too much, but have I ever really gotten an answer? I dunno.. And now I think it'll be a million percent awkward and unhappy. ): I've really already decided on a yes, but now it's not my choice anymore, and I guess I'll just back away.

Was so upset/angry (more of which, I do not know, couldn't tell!) that my tears just kinda auto-trigger. Oh well, at least now my uphill plans of having to cut off ties with another someone won't have to be worked at anymore. Speaking of which, I confided in the someone, and he says I'm expecting too much.. he says guys need things spelt out for them sometimes… I really dunno.

I'll have to wait another day before I know what has become of us... I guess.. I hope I won't be too affected.

-daph (11:47 am) >>*

wasted 4.9.07

today is the day i got wasted. not drunk. but. i totally lost focus.

i haven't touched the books today. T.T i will, i swear. i'm going to stay up to study.

in other news, my 2nd earhole on the left. is. disgusting. no, make that uberifically-gross-dammit. yup, it's been hurting, i think it's cos when i sleep on my side, the stud kinda hurts the skin around it and it keeps bruising and pus-ing/bleeding. so i'll kinda regularly scratch the dead matter off. but i think this time i've overdone it or sth, cos it really really hurt.

and so i went off to shower, bringing in my last earstick (yes, i lost the rest, pathetic me. earsticks for me, anyone? :D coloured ones! ok, not fussy.), thinking it'd be better than a stud. to perhaps, relieve the pain a little. ok, when i took off the backing just now, i accidentally ripped off the dead 'skin' too when it was still rather attached to my ear skin. and yup, u guessed it, it started bleeding really badly.

whipped out my septanol and some tissue, drowned my tissue in septanol and started treating the wound behind. good thing abt second earholes? they are higher, and so easier to look at the back of the ear when u try flipping it. (as opposed to normal first earholes) i regretted it. but i couldn't have avoided it. there was a little hill of red, i thought it was uncleared deadskin and dried blood, i tried as gently as i possibly could to scrape it off with septanol-treated tissue. ARGHHHH. nothing came off, it was worse. and then i knew it. it was just pure infected, swollen BLOODY flesh. whee~

yupyup, so i wiped the wound again, and started dripping lots and lots of septanol all over my ear. i'm gonna be doing that for the days to come, hope it works T.T i've bad luck with piercings. though it's just my ears' fault. oh, i stuffed the earstick in despite the pain. sc's right, if it hurts, it's the correct direction, just force it through. it was really painful though, but i had to do it. i don't want another $5 down the drain. ):

-daph (9:08 pm) >>*

spotlight*

daph*

chatter*

wishes*

links*

promotion*

site*

meez*