Hello... please be patient while the site loads :D ~daph
8.3.08
alright let me take a deep breath and start.
someone told me that i should delete my blog recently. and i thought.. ok. and then i realised i wasn't suppose to agree, i was supposed to restart my engine!
that's me, i just... dawdle. lag. procrastinate. heck-care. then plop, down i fall. and poof, i fade. now be warned this will be some emo piece of crap and well, by now u should all hate me and so don't read it. it's quite the ranting piece.
yep, the school did so exceedingly well for As this year, i had really thought that maybe.. MAYBE i can also do well too. i really did think i'd get some of my As. I was really quite sure for some subjects.. but i was wrong.
Mdm Tay gave me a smirk. i dunno what it was supposed to mean. it looked slighlty encouraging. and i was thinking. wow. that's a good sign right. but yea, flip the paper and it's like... "oh no, this isn't happening again!"
Yea, i screwed it up, like i screwed my PSLE. just that this time, it seems far worse. And immediately the world seemed a lot darker. well, at least the looks of people around me seemed to turn sinister, like they're all laughing at me, or worse, they can't even be bothered with me anymore. i feel betrayed, and disgusted. but what right do i have anyway?
Well actually, the sun still shone, and the nice breeze still blew... the trees and grass were still lush and green, the world didn't change because i fell. nope, and there i stood, staring at all these while my tears kept streaming uncontrollably. I called my parents immediately and told them. they have the right to know that their daughter once again is a total loser. i think i disappointed them so much, i can understand, since the pain in me was excruciating as well.. i knew i had to get over it and start planning and looking ahead. but my dad... his actions and words since last night has really utterly beaten me so badly. i feel entirely flatten, defeated. i'm a complete waste of a person, and i don't deserve to live.
Maybe that is true.
I know I always lack motivation and drive, I really do want to get back on my feet. But somehow i just can't bring myself to do so cos seeing him reminds me so much of what a failure i am.
Anyway, he kind of made me feel like all around me should feel ashamed to be associated with me. which i'm beginning to think absolutely true. a big thanks to people who've been standing by me, believing in me. i'm sorry i turned out like this now. and to those who look down on me now, i can only say i know it's my own doing and i pay the price, but whoever you are, you've no right to judge. and i will prove myself one day. and soon.
back to the point on ppl feeling ashamed. hm.. i really did think about it..and i think ppl do. from the way they look at me and little things like these. well, those who aren't, i think they should anyway...leave my side, not be tied down by the pscho-wreck me, lead their own lives well and away from me. i just wanna be alone most times now. i really don't see myself having any real friends. no offence. (perhpas i'm having pschomental depression now or whatever) that could be my fault too of course. but yes, i have to say i'm thankful and touched to those who bothered to call or sms, if u meant sincere concern, i believe i could tell and i really am grateful.
I am so emotionally tattered now really, and so very tired, but i can't rest or i'll fall further behind. i was so distracted that i hadn't realised i dropped my wallet in the car, and when i discovered it's loss this morning, i panicked so bad. i spent the whole of previous night crying over my results, had insufficient sleep, and had a heavy heavy stone on my heart, and now another boulder? thankfully i found it in the car, or i might just have broken down. i freaked out over the fact that i couldn't do anything right, that i was losing everything i had, so so tired.. but with that solved, i gotta keep my head up again. So for this time, i need to keep myself strong and push hard till the last breath. only then can i take a short breather and recharge and live on again. I just hope i don't lose it before i get my break. IF i get my break. but i know.. people are watching. i can't stop, i must keep going.. keep going..
i hope it's not too late for me to realise that there are a million and one people waiting to stab u from behind if u so much as fell behind by a hair's width. and that one really has to push so much harder to keep up and be ahead. have i really been so wrong about my philosophy in life?
i guess i always feared death and i just never thought anything was important enough to slug myself out for... (think along the lines of futility of achieving everything but having to die anyway) i thought perhaps it was enough just to be average (even though i'm endowed to be destined for more) and i'd so much rather take things more easily. but it hurts, when everyone around u rushes too far ahead, the feeling of being left behind... it sucks. and perhaps i should integrate a new thought into my philosophy, that is what i fear will still inevitably arrive, and i should do more out of it! augh, this has got to take some time... to change my mindset. i'm rusty shit.
-daph (10:42 pm) >>*
Daphne Tan; Singapore; Chinese; 17+; HCI; Buddhist; Aresian;
29031989; emotional; lazy; hungry; dreamer; loves: sleep; food;
music; dance; lights; webdsign; Korea!; dislikes: hypocrites;
gossips carried too far; stress; preachers;
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